This morning I woke up from a dream. It was a very lucid dream and when I awoke I was surprised it wasn't real. Then I sat in contemplation wondering what the dream meant. Why did I dream about her? It made me sad. Let me tell you why.
The dream started with me taking a class. I'm not sure where I was taking this class, I could assume it was from the university but honestly that would be misleading. A dream has its own learning halls. Regardless of where, I was taking a class. I feel like it was a writing class and that in itself would be ironic. In real life I'm a writer and apparently in my dreams I am too.
So I was standing outside of the classroom, waiting for the teacher to get there. This made sense to me since all my years in university I usually spent time waiting outside the classroom. (I made a habit of being there early.) So there I am, waiting patiently when I see someone walking towards me. Someone unexpected. I froze and panicked. I thought, I should walk away, turn around, do something to hide my identity. I wasn't prepared to see this person again. Yet I couldn't I do anything, just stand and stare.
They got closer and closer until finally they were right in front of me and oddly enough, smiling. This didn't make sense to me. Since if I were to see this person again, they wouldn't be smiling. Most likely they would do their best to ignore me or worse say something horribly cruel. Instead in my dream, they stood there smiling. So I looked at them questioningly, confused and baffled by their appearance. I managed to make out the words, "I didn't know you were in this class". She smiled back and said, "I tried to tell you". She described an antiquated means of getting in contact through messenger and I was shocked. That was what we would have used before.
I remember being completely and utterly dumbfounded. I never thought in a million years I would see her again nor would she be happy to see me. From there it was just like old times somehow. We reverted back to the way we were. When the classroom opened, we sat down but I had already picked my seat apparently before I knew she was going to be there. I had placed my stuff far away from hers.
The class started and the teacher sat in the middle on top of a desk. (This isn't unusual in some university classes by the way, so the dream was not off base.) She was talking and describing something but I wasn't listening. I was too distracted by my ex-friend's sudden appearance. I still couldn't believe she was there. It didn't make any sense to me. Before I knew it we were starting an activity. We had some sheets of paper with pieces of different stories on them, maybe a song or two. Next thing I know music is playing and the teacher is coming closer to me. She's singing and dancing along and I realize I better participate. I happen to know the lyrics to the song by heart and start dancing alongside, singing as well. The teacher stops after a bit and frowns, pointing to my sheets saying I should have it opened. I blush but feel frustration cloud my mind. I knew the words, I didn't need the paper.
The teacher pointed to a student and started another segment, from a story this time. They were expected to act it out it seems. Between all the commotion my ex-friend, turned friend came over to me and started to laugh with me at the hilarity of this class. It reminded me of high school where we spent creative writing class together making fun of the teacher.
Then the dream ended abruptly, as dreams have a habit of doing. I found myself dazed and disappointed. There was a longing inside of me to have her back as a friend. I was disappointed that it wasn't true. Yet I know it's not possible. Despite the dream's optimism. The friendship seemed to be great when I had it but it ended terribly. It wasn't up to me either. She decided we weren't friends anymore. It was a stupid reason. I hadn't been available to talk with her about her millionth break-up with her long distance boyfriend. Did I mention she called on my father's birthday? Over that, over nothing, she decided to stop being friends. It seemed counter intuitive. I had always been there for her. I had always supported her and helped her any way I could. I felt like something else was the catalyst. Before that I had divulged to her some terrible news I had kept locked up and expected some warm comfort in return. Instead, she didn't want to talk about it or even try to help me. I remember being instantly frustrated and hurt, the "friendship" was like every other "friendship" I had been involved in, not reciprocal.
I would give all of myself in a friendship and never get it in return. It made me think back on what I had with her as superficial. She was incredibly judgemental and lacked compassion or empathy with others. Why would I expect she would treat me differently? I guess I thought we were best friends. It turned out that I was only her friend if I was doing something for her.
As much as I enjoyed seeing her in my dream, in real life I recognize she was well, a bitch if you don't mind me saying. I could never be friends with her again, not after the way she treated me then tossed me aside like I was garbage. She didn't know how to be friends with anyone. Honestly, people don't change that much and she's probably still a diva.
Hence why the dream seemed good but turned out bad. I guess it was similar to the very "friendship" I had with her. All in all, I don't need to be dreaming about people I never want to see again. Do you want to hear something odd? It was just her birthday three days ago.
I woke up from a nightmare this morning and remembered it long enough to write it down. I actually woke up crying. I had been crying in my dream and apparently crying outside of my dream as well. So after writing it all down I decided this would be a good time to briefly analyze what happened.
In the nightmare I spend all my time trying to contact my partner and eventually go searching for them. When I do find them they don't remember me and I'm horrified. In the nightmare I don't understand what's happening and my family keeps making references to an alternate reality that no longer exists. When my partner finally walks away from me and leaves me behind as an emotional wreck, I come face to face with some much deeper feelings.
I wake up and realize that I never want my partner to leave. Those were feelings I hadn't come to terms with in real life since I never thought that it was a possibility. When I had to treat it like reality I felt a severe emotional loss, comparable to a close family member. I love my partner and I'm glad it was just a tragic nightmare. I'm going to make sure they know how much I love them. I think the same goes for everyone else in my life too. I want them all to know I love and care about all of them. We never know what's going to happen. Life is unpredictable.
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