I know that I haven't been updating as frequently as I should but due to present circumstances, I've been overwhelmed by a myriad of conflicts.
I thought as a courtesy for my readers and as a cathartic gesture for myself, I would share a little about what's going on in my life presently.
My relationship of over three years has ended. As I've mentioned before on a previous post, "If you love someone, you must let them go". I can say in all honesty that I will always love them but I can also say that we're not meant to be together. At first I had a hard time accepting it but I suppose that's rather normal. Eventually I realized that it was much better to be apart than together. A sad lesson to learn, I suppose but a necessary one. Everyone deserves to be happy, whatever that means. Sometimes that means you have to break up.
I feel lucky in a number of ways. One of them being that I don't hate them. I can truly say that my love for them is unconditional. I also feel lucky that they said what they did and ended things when they realized they didn't love me. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me. That would be doing a great injustice to both parties involved.
Now that I'm single again I can honestly say I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I have my wings back and I'm no longer trapped in a tiny cage. Despite admitting to a few close confidants and the pages of my diary that I was unhappy in my relationship and wanted to leave, I could never seem to admit those feelings to myself. I kept denying them. I wanted to believe I was happy because I loved them. Yet I think we all know that at some point those buried feelings will surface, again and again. I would just take it out in my diary. I looked back on things I'd previously written and I realized how tortured I felt. I never felt loved and perhaps that truly was the case.
If someone is unhappy with themselves, they'll never be happy with someone else. Love or no love, it's not going to make a difference. I desperately wanted to believe that if I loved hard enough that I could make someone happy but I forgot the key to happiness, "Only you can make you happy". Any effort on my part was sadly futile.
My relationship was like living in a barren, arctic wasteland. Every day I sat trapped in an icy cavern and I desperately tried to think of ways to manifest some warmth. I hoped that my own body heat would reverberate back to me, yet I was unaware of the many drafts that sucked out every last bit of heat and only made me colder. Sometimes the wind was so fierce that it howled through the small crevices and sounded like voices, then I didn't feel so alone. Over time, without my acknowledgement, the cavern's structure began to fail. One day the ceiling collapsed and exposed a bright, blue sky. I stared, uncertain. What was out there? I hesitated, comfortable with the familiar. At least I knew the cavern but I could not remember the sky. So I tried to stay. The entire cavern began to collapse around me, surrounding me with rubble. Some pieces hit me, bruising my tender body. Without another thought, I ran. I lifted my head towards the sky and raced for the only exit. I climbed furiously over remnants and finally reached the top. I closed my eyes and jumped. I expected my body to fall briefly before meeting an early demise. Yet I was lifted. Higher and higher, into the brilliant blue firmament and into the reaches of the sun. The warmth enveloped my body and suddenly my memory was restored. Flashes of a life long forgotten pressed on me. I forgot that I could just fly away. For a brief moment I looked down to the cavern. It had been completely destroyed. I had escaped with my life and I was grateful.
I remember there was a time when being called a nerd was offensive. However today the times have changed, now the name "nerd" is coveted. In large part, thanks to the internet. Every corner of the internet is filled with nerds and nerd culture. Nerds have become the new rebels.
The name "nerd" is overused today. So it's in fashion for some Facebook girl to call herself a "nerd" yet you and I both know she is not a nerd, never has been and never will be. How do you know? Ask her something only nerds would know, like what's her favourite part of Azeroth or what does she think of the Higgs Boson?
What is a nerd, you ask? Well when I was being called a nerd at school or by my family it used to have negative connotations. It was offensive. Then I learned to embrace it. I learned to embrace my nerdiness. So what if I'm smart? So what if I like video games, comics, sci-fi, fantasy and anime? Those things are awesome!
In my opinion a nerd is someone who loves and appreciates both the real and unreal. Whether it's watching a superhero movie and enjoying the blatant disregard for physics or playing a video game and testing it's physics.
Friendship, that special relationship between two or more people involving secrets, similar interests and fun times.
Friend zone, an imaginary plane of existence some people made up so they could complain about it.
The friend zone is a very common topic these days, particularly among bitter men and women. Here's what happens: Someone develops an infatuation on someone else based on surface judgements. They become involved in their life and do everything in order to spend time with them. Once they become a companion, they perform whatever tasks asked of them by the aforementioned crush. Then when they discover the person only considers them a friend, they wonder why and complain bitterly. Commence the comments about how the crush never dates "nice" guys/girls (like them).
I think everyone has been put in this position before but unfortunately there's a hard lesson to be learned from this kind of experience. Sometimes people aren't romantically interested, even if you're interested in them. Especially after establishing a friendship. The only way to have the chance for a romantic relationship with someone is to ask them out.
I received my first rejection letter last night after submitting a fictional short story. Honestly, I wasn't surprised since it was my first submission. I actually agreed that it probably wasn't a great fit for the particular magazine but some very positive things came out of that rejection.
1. I faced my fears and submitted my first story. That was hard to do. I haven't let a lot of people read my writing but I did it and I'm proud of myself.
2. The managing editor for the magazine wants to see more of my writing. I think this speaks well for me since that particular story might not have been the right fit but perhaps another will be.
3. I still want to write. I realized that this doesn't really matter. Sometimes you're rejected. It happens. It's a part of life. It's part of growing and maturing.
4. I feel like I'm making progress. Perhaps a rejection letter seems anti-progress but I think in some respects I've taken my first step.
Next step, send more stories. Write more, try again and never stop.
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