I know that I haven't been updating as frequently as I should but due to present circumstances, I've been overwhelmed by a myriad of conflicts.
I thought as a courtesy for my readers and as a cathartic gesture for myself, I would share a little about what's going on in my life presently.
My relationship of over three years has ended. As I've mentioned before on a previous post, "If you love someone, you must let them go". I can say in all honesty that I will always love them but I can also say that we're not meant to be together. At first I had a hard time accepting it but I suppose that's rather normal. Eventually I realized that it was much better to be apart than together. A sad lesson to learn, I suppose but a necessary one. Everyone deserves to be happy, whatever that means. Sometimes that means you have to break up.
I feel lucky in a number of ways. One of them being that I don't hate them. I can truly say that my love for them is unconditional. I also feel lucky that they said what they did and ended things when they realized they didn't love me. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me. That would be doing a great injustice to both parties involved.
Now that I'm single again I can honestly say I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I have my wings back and I'm no longer trapped in a tiny cage. Despite admitting to a few close confidants and the pages of my diary that I was unhappy in my relationship and wanted to leave, I could never seem to admit those feelings to myself. I kept denying them. I wanted to believe I was happy because I loved them. Yet I think we all know that at some point those buried feelings will surface, again and again. I would just take it out in my diary. I looked back on things I'd previously written and I realized how tortured I felt. I never felt loved and perhaps that truly was the case.
If someone is unhappy with themselves, they'll never be happy with someone else. Love or no love, it's not going to make a difference. I desperately wanted to believe that if I loved hard enough that I could make someone happy but I forgot the key to happiness, "Only you can make you happy". Any effort on my part was sadly futile.
My relationship was like living in a barren, arctic wasteland. Every day I sat trapped in an icy cavern and I desperately tried to think of ways to manifest some warmth. I hoped that my own body heat would reverberate back to me, yet I was unaware of the many drafts that sucked out every last bit of heat and only made me colder. Sometimes the wind was so fierce that it howled through the small crevices and sounded like voices, then I didn't feel so alone. Over time, without my acknowledgement, the cavern's structure began to fail. One day the ceiling collapsed and exposed a bright, blue sky. I stared, uncertain. What was out there? I hesitated, comfortable with the familiar. At least I knew the cavern but I could not remember the sky. So I tried to stay. The entire cavern began to collapse around me, surrounding me with rubble. Some pieces hit me, bruising my tender body. Without another thought, I ran. I lifted my head towards the sky and raced for the only exit. I climbed furiously over remnants and finally reached the top. I closed my eyes and jumped. I expected my body to fall briefly before meeting an early demise. Yet I was lifted. Higher and higher, into the brilliant blue firmament and into the reaches of the sun. The warmth enveloped my body and suddenly my memory was restored. Flashes of a life long forgotten pressed on me. I forgot that I could just fly away. For a brief moment I looked down to the cavern. It had been completely destroyed. I had escaped with my life and I was grateful.
Lately, I've had a very difficult time staying motivated. I'm not sure why exactly, perhaps there are simply too many distractions but I've been completely unmotivated regardless of the particular reason. All I think about is writing yet somehow I've been in a slump. I intensely dislike it. I love to write. I love to research. I'm not sure what it is that makes me feel like this but I want it to be over. The sooner the better. Luckily I do have some things to look forward to this month.
For instance, my birthday is coming. To be honest, I'm not exactly looking forward to having my birthday but I am looking forward to being past that day. I haven't had a truly enjoyable birthday in a very long time. It's made me weary these past years and worse than that I usually suffer a bout of depression. Last year was definitely one of the worst I've ever had. All I wanted was a good birthday. I think that's what everyone wants - whatever that entails for them personally. For me it's having people around that care about you. Part of the problem with my birthday is that it falls so near Thanksgiving and sometimes it is Thanksgiving (to clarify, Canadian Thanksgiving happens on the second Monday of October). That means people always have other things to do whether it's with family or friends. Birthdays are so stressful.
Luckily, I will be going on a week trip to British Columbia very shortly. It's a province immediately to the west of Alberta. It's incredibly lush, mountainous and in many ways majestic. I hope I find some peace and quiet there, perhaps relaxing in another place will bring back my motivation.
In case you were wondering, my birthday is October 9th (I share it with John Lennon).
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